Leap of Faith

I can't even put into words how confused my head is right now, so I apologize for the rant I may go on. & I apologize now for the amount of honesty and how personal this is. I guess I haven't really admitted this to anyone, or maybe even to myself, but I am terrified of love.  Who isn't though right?  I've had the "thought it was going to last forever" kind of love, and it didn't work out, and I am terrified to even let myself feel anything remotely close to liking someone again.   I know I'm not going to get anywhere by keeping my walls up or not taking a chance, but most guys have shown me that regardless of what I do, it doesn't change anything.

        I've been in love before, 6 years of love.  It had it's ups and downs like any relationship would.  When it ended I honestly thought I'd never even like anyone ever again.  Cliche I know, but I felt hopeless.  Like any chance of me finding someone to love and to love me was gone.  That feeling was normal, I mean what person gets their heart broken and is okay with it?  I must say though without it I wouldn't be who I am today, and I like that person I see in the mirror.  So why is it that I'm so afraid to let someone else like that person too? Why is it so hard to let my guard down?

     It's like pulling teeth with me to try to get me to admit how I feel.  & usually when I finally do admit it to myself, it's too late.  Someone can take me out on nice dates, talk to me all the time, but it won't be until their not interested anymore, that I suddenly become interested.  Or is it the fear of them not liking me anymore that makes me admit to myself that I do in fact like them?  I'm not even sure I know the answer to that.  I do know that I can't be afraid all the time. it's not going to get me anywhere.  Life is about taking risks, taking a leap of faith.  You have to go through the heart ache to appreciate a good relationship.  You have live and learn, and I guess eventually I'll weed through the bad guys to get to the good one.

Like I said....whether this makes any sense or not this is what clutters up my head.  I see everyone around me getting engaged and married, and falling in love.  & I know I'm missing out on something.  I want it.  I'm just scared to put myself out there.  I did that once & I fell....hard, and crashed.  I just need someone to prove to me that it's worth falling again.  Haven't found anyone yet.