Leap of Faith

I can't even put into words how confused my head is right now, so I apologize for the rant I may go on. & I apologize now for the amount of honesty and how personal this is. I guess I haven't really admitted this to anyone, or maybe even to myself, but I am terrified of love.  Who isn't though right?  I've had the "thought it was going to last forever" kind of love, and it didn't work out, and I am terrified to even let myself feel anything remotely close to liking someone again.   I know I'm not going to get anywhere by keeping my walls up or not taking a chance, but most guys have shown me that regardless of what I do, it doesn't change anything.

        I've been in love before, 6 years of love.  It had it's ups and downs like any relationship would.  When it ended I honestly thought I'd never even like anyone ever again.  Cliche I know, but I felt hopeless.  Like any chance of me finding someone to love and to love me was gone.  That feeling was normal, I mean what person gets their heart broken and is okay with it?  I must say though without it I wouldn't be who I am today, and I like that person I see in the mirror.  So why is it that I'm so afraid to let someone else like that person too? Why is it so hard to let my guard down?

     It's like pulling teeth with me to try to get me to admit how I feel.  & usually when I finally do admit it to myself, it's too late.  Someone can take me out on nice dates, talk to me all the time, but it won't be until their not interested anymore, that I suddenly become interested.  Or is it the fear of them not liking me anymore that makes me admit to myself that I do in fact like them?  I'm not even sure I know the answer to that.  I do know that I can't be afraid all the time. it's not going to get me anywhere.  Life is about taking risks, taking a leap of faith.  You have to go through the heart ache to appreciate a good relationship.  You have live and learn, and I guess eventually I'll weed through the bad guys to get to the good one.

Like I said....whether this makes any sense or not this is what clutters up my head.  I see everyone around me getting engaged and married, and falling in love.  & I know I'm missing out on something.  I want it.  I'm just scared to put myself out there.  I did that once & I fell....hard, and crashed.  I just need someone to prove to me that it's worth falling again.  Haven't found anyone yet.

Birthdays

This is not a normal blog. Just a simple verrryyyy HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY TO MY BEST FRIEND DIANE <3

Don't judge a book by it's cover

   Have you ever walked by a homeless person, saw a teen mom pushing her baby in a stroller, a skinny girl throwing away her food, or an overweight kid sitting down to eat lunch?  If you answered any of these with a no you must be living under a rock.  Now how many times have you seen situations like this & automatically assumed you knew their life story?  If your answer is none, well then you must be flawless, which I highly doubt is the case.  & If you have, well unfortunately you're not the only one.  Everyone judges as some point, I'm not saying it's the right thing to do by any means.  No ones perfect, everyone makes mistakes, and many of us judge someone before we get to know them. 

" A 15 year old girl holds hands with her 1 year old son. People call her a slut, no one knows she was raped at 13. People call another Guy fat. No one knows he has a serious disease causing him to be overweight . People call an old man ugly. No one knew he had a serious injury to his face while fighting for our country in the war.People call a woman bald but they don’t know she has cancer ."

Everyone has probably heard that quote in some variation many times before.  Most people probably read it and become saddened or disgusted knowing that people would do that, many people not realizing that they have contributed to that in some way.  This needs to stop.  We get so upset or defensive when we read something like that thinking "who would ever do that".  The unfortunate reality is that everyone does it.  And up until a few months ago I never thought anything of it. You think you know. It's not until your in a situation like that do you realize how much words and judgments actually effect people.  


A few months ago I found out my teenage sister would be having a baby.  Being the older sister I became scared, worried, and very aware about what was being said.  Not because I don't think she can handle it, but because I was worried and scared at the fact that everyone around us would judge her.  People make mistakes, it's human nature.  She didn't plan this, she doesn't sleep around, in fact her boyfriend is still around and they've been going strong for almost 2 years now.  Being a teen and pregnant does not define who my sister is.  If anything it only makes her more beautiful and a stronger person.  I've seen the way people look at my sister when we're out in public, and I know what to expect in a month when she is carrying around my nephew.  I am no longer scared for my sister, because I know other opinions and judgments that people may be making are completely wrong.  My sister is a genuinely warm hearted person who would do anything for anyone.  She's beautiful, smart, caring, and one of the best friends I could have asked for.  Yes she's young, but she is responsible, and she's hard working.  & Now I'm excited for her, for my family, and for my nephew.


The simple fact that someone is different, or doing something that goes against what you believe, or what your opinion is, it shouldn't matter.  We need to stop judging people based on what they like to do, or mistakes they have made, or how they live their lives.  We don't know everyone's story, and we have no right to judge them for something.  I can personally say that the next time I walk by a teen mom, my first instinct isn't going to be that she's a "slut", I will only think that she is a strong person for taking responsibility and doing what she can for her baby.  We need to change our attitudes about people, stop acting so high & mighty like we're so much better than others, because we're not.  & The people who think they are, only degrade themselves for making assumptions and judgements.   "Don't judge a book by it's cover".  Read it first.

Just Do You

 

   If there is anything that I have learned within the last year, it's to be yourself.  The real you.  The "who you are when know one is looking" self.  I hate when I see people too afraid to be themselves because they are afraid others will judge, or change their minds about them, etc.  There is so much hiding behind the curtain that is waiting to come out, it's sad to see that some people can't show that.  I say this because I used to be one of them.  

     I lived for others.  I put everyone else in front of my own needs, which isn't always a bad thing, but you need to make time for yourself, and make sure your happy.  I would do things for others in place of taking the time to take care of what I needed to do.  There is no point in trying to make other people happy if it's only going to make you miserable. You'll end up wearing yourself thin, It's impossible to please everyone, because no matter what, someone, somewhere is not going to like it.  But guess what?  That's fine, as long as YOU are making yourself happy.  So that's what I did.  & I feel like I've already moved mountains.  I set aside everyone else's thoughts & just stopped caring.  I'm not saying to stop caring about the people around you, I LOVE the people in my life, I care about them & I'd do anything for a lot of them.  I stopped caring what other people "would think" of me if I did what I wanted to do in order to make me happy.  I've lost some friends, I've gained others.  But the most important thing is I'm happier now than I was a year ago. The friends that stick by you are the ones who truly care about you and are who you need to surround yourself with.  

    Living to please others and just a waste of time, your time, precious time.  Time that you could be doing something you love, or something that makes you who you are.  I used to be one of the girls who got dressed up for class and dolled up with make up.  Then one day I realized that's not the person I am when know ones looking.  I HATE caking make up on my face & I think most people are prettier without it.  I wear sweatpants or yogas to school....everyday.  My hair is tied up in a pony tail the majority of the time. I'll wear jeans on fridays or the weekends, don't get me wrong I like to look cute.  I just have other things to do than spend half the day looking at myself in the mirror.  Up until recently I used to stress out about what other people thought....not just about the way I looked, but about every little move I made.  Now...I just don't care.  I don't do or say all the right things all the time, but in the end I'm doing what makes ME happy. 

    The greatest thing about life is that tomorrows a new day.  A new day to be yourself, the person you are when there isn't any pressure to be anyone other than you.  If you can sit down at the end of the day & say you stayed true to yourself, I'd say that's a pretty great feeling.  

No one can do a better job at being you, than you.  

Thank You's

 

I'm not the best at expressing how I feel, sometimes I come off too strong, sometimes I don't say enough, and most of the time I'm just too nervous that someone is going to think I'm a nut case to say exactly how I'm feeling.  However, I know most of the people that this blog pertains to will never see it, and if they do, well then I'm glad.

I've learned over the past year that strong family & friends will get you through anything.  So this is a simple thank you.  Thank you to all of those who have stuck by me during my highs & lows.  Thank you for believe in me when I thought I wasn't able to get through things.  Thank you for smacking some sense into me when I was dwelling on things that just don't matter.  Thank you for being someone I can trust in and talk to when I feel like there's no one left.

To my friends who have been around forever: Thank you.  Thank you for STILL being around and loving me for who I am.  For being that genuine and caring that you still want to be in my life and want me in yours.  Thank you ESPECIALLY to those who take the time to see me even after days, months, even years of not seeing each other.  Thank you for staying in touch. 

To my close friends:  You already know how much I appreciate everything you do for me.  I can't say it enough, you really are the best.  The past few years have been the hardest to get through and I couldn't have done it with out you by my side. :) Love you.

& To my new friends: You have already made such an impact on my life and I am great full to have you in my life.

I would consider myself a very lucky person.  I may not always say or do the right things, or at the right times, but I truly have good intentions...most of the time :).  But seriously...Friends are what get us through life. Whether it's going out on a friday night, or just sitting at home with popcorn and a movie.  It all has the same effect.  My friends mean the world to me.  They are kind, genuine, trustworthy (and I have trust issues), warm hearted..most of the time, honest, fun, exciting, beautiful people :)  

"The people who make a difference in your life are the ones that care". 

One foot in front of the other

 So relationships end all the time right?  Whether it's bad timing, loss of interest in each other,  not enough of the little things, nothing being happy, even not being in love anymore.  I'm not a perfect girlfriend, I don't always say the right things, or do the right things, but in the end I have every intention of making that person happy, and I like to think I give it my all.  So why is it that this isn't always enough?  No one likes to hear that, and it's even worse to sit down and feel the after math of those words. A friend said it perfectly,

"We tend to lose what made our relationship work in the beginning; what initially attracted us to this person suddenly seems to disappear because we become blinded by all the things they "aren't doing" or aren't doing right. "

So why is it that after everything is said an done, the ones who were truly hurt in the end are the ones who continue to hold on.  And why is it that once we think were are moving forward, something gets in the way.  We work so hard to put one foot in front of the other and make it through one day at a time...and we eventually get to a good place.  We feel like we don't need them in our lives anyway, we no longer want to be with them, we think we're developing feelings for someone else. Then BAM...out of no where something comes along, whether it be hearing a song on a radio that reminds us of them, seeing an old picture, or even seeing them for the first time in over a year....yeah, even the smallest thing can kick us off our path that we've made for ourselves and back to where we started.

Then on top of that, there are plenty of other "Fish in the sea" that have shown their interest/ or are interested in us and we don't bite.  We say we are sick of the ass holes, or people who don't give us attention, or show that they care....but once a "nice guy" comes into the picture we want the ass hole again.  I don't understand this logic at all.  This is showing that it's okay to be the asshole, because good guys don't win.  But then we turn around again and ask where the good ones are?? What is wrong with us?

All in all I have learned that it takes a bigger person to put one foot in front of the other and move on.  It takes a very strong individual, someone who wants to make a better life for themselves to pick up the pieces and put them pack together.  To see the light at the end of the tunnel and continue to move towards what truly makes us happy.  One day it'll all make sense....we will understand the heartbreaks and sad days that we went through, but we will learn to appreciate and love so much more from that and that will lead us to a better life, and better relationships.

True Colors...

I've come to realize that no matter what, there are always going to be those people who come in and out of your life.  There will be people who think they know everything about you, and say they'd never hurt you...but in the end actions speak louder than words.  The people you need in life are those people who show you that they'll always be there, through thick and thin, better or worse.  Friendships are relationships, and they have a secret vow.  People change and life takes it crazy turns, but those who truly care and who truly want to be in your life will be there for you through it all. Those are the people who matter. :)

We all have had one person in our life who we thought we knew, we thought they'd always be there, yet when it came to the changes that you wanted to make in your own life to better yourself, they wanted nothing to do with it.  I can't stand people who "pretend" to care when it's convenient for them, people who want your undivided attention when something big happens in their life, whether it's good or bad.  However when it's time for yourself to be happy or time to vent it manages to go in one ear and out the other like yesterdays news.

Yes it's good to surround yourself with people, but who would you rather have next to you in the end?  A good small group of people who genuinely care...or a large group of  people who really don't know you at all, and care more about the attention you're giving them.  Personally, I'm all for the small group of good friends who actually care what I have to say or what I do.  It's not about how popular you are, or how much time people gloat about you.  I have the best friends and family because we all genuinely care & want to see each other happy....with whatever that brings. That's how it should be.  In the end you'll eventually see everyone's true colors.  The people in my life....well they're all kinda beautiful :)